Half Life 2 episode 2 episode 1
by StupidSequel
Summary: Gordon upgrades DOG to look cuter, and he and Alyx forget their objective in favor of leisure activities. After being ambushed, Gordon joins the Combine just for the perks. G-Man warns of an enemy even the Combine fears, and just when it looks like the end of the world, there is a mysterious heroic counterpart to the Combine who can help them. Contains references to spoilers.


**Half Life 2 episode 2 episode 1**

**Takes place right after the end of Half Life 2 episode 2. Features references to spoilers.**

While Alyx was sobbing over her dead father, Gordon got annoyed at the noise of her crying, found a conveniently placed rocket launcher nearby, and aimed at the Combine Advisors. He spat out some guns so he could deliver his first line ever.

"You guys suck!" He said while flipping the bird. He shot the rocket launcher at the Combine Advisors a few times, and they went down like the gunships.

"Please stop crying Alyx. I'm tired of the noise and I can't stand it." He sucked out her tears with the gravity gun. It was a lot, enough to fill an empty river. "Hey, since the Combine are stealing Earth's water as we speak, maybe your tears are the answer to Earth's water shortage." Alyx had a look of discomfort on her face. Magnusson came up to them.

"God, are you two deaf? GO FIND THE FUCKING BOREALIS!" He installed a wrist strap-like thing on Gordon's wrist. "This is a portable intercom device I have made. It has infinite range so that no matter how far you are away, you can never hide from my nagging. I have still not forgiven you for that casserole, and likely never will. It appears that you need to be constantly railroaded onto the right path. Now GET GOING!" Alyx was still sad over Eli's death. Gordon thought of something that would hopefully cheer her up.

"Okay, close your eyes." Gordon directed. Alyx closed her eyes and led her to a room full of

"DOG?"

"Not anymore. It's DOGE now." Alyx's robotic companion had an image of the doge meme on it for a head.

"Aww, Gordon! He's actually cute now! Aw, and you even included Comic Sans font."

"Gordon, are you retarded? I am gonna count to ten and I'd better see that you have rescued that goddamn Borealis by the time I count to ten, and if you don't you're fired." Magnusson yelled. "One, two, the number that comes after two, four..."

"C'mon, let's go," Gordon put weapons back in his mouth cuz there was no more room for anywhere else, grabbed Alyx's arm, and they ran out together, and then one of those flying cameras showed up. Gordon turned around, pulled his pants down, and mooed it while flipping it off.

"Ha!" Alyx laughed. "Burn."

Magnusson's nagging thru the portable intercom device became mere background noise, to the point where Gordon and Alyx completely forgot their objective because they just tuned it out. They just randomly drove around White Forest, bumping into the occasional Mark of the Beast wall.

"Hey love birds, what kind of potato are you driving?" Some immature young adult teased. "Whatever it is, it is so 2000 and late."

"Potatoes are recording software, not vehicles. Do your research, kiddo," Alyx corrected. The man child shut up.

They left White Forest and headed for the beach only to find the water level could have been measured in inches at its deepest point. Gordon remembered earlier.

"Ha ha! Your dad is dead, and mine's just in jail!" Alyx slapped him.

"The water shortage, remember? You're doing Earth a favor." Gordon reminded.

"Sorry, Gordon," Alyx apologized. "Force of habit." As Alyx cried, Gordon used his Gravity Gun to suck out her tears because they were clean water.

"Thank you for mocking me for not having a dad, Gordon. I may not have liked that action but the Earth's fate depends on it."

"Mmmm, yummy tears," Gordon licked his lips. _Maybe if I shoot down DOGE then she'll completely replace Earth's water supply. Nah, I can't be that evil. Wait, can I?_

He shot whatever tears he didn't want to drink out into the ocean and before long the ocean was replenished. Alyx changed into her bikini. Gordon blushed. "You coming in?" Alyx asked. Gordon nodded and jumped in the water. After having a good old fashioned splash fight and playing frisbee with a saw blade and the Gravity Gun, and playing beach volleyball with an antlion corpse, something was wrong.

"Oh shit, more Combine are coming!" Alyx warned. Gordon used his crowbar on Alyx. "What the fuck are you doing? If you're trying to make me cry again, this is overkill. Reminding me of Eli and mocking me about that is enough."

DOGE came bursting through, knocking into several Combine soldiers on the way like bowling pins, and the few survivors were too distracted by DOGE's cuteness to attack Gordon and Alyx. Gordon whistled innocently.

When they got tired of swimming, they got back in the car and Gordon took the guns out of his mouth and lifted them with the Gravity Gun so he could talk and carry his weapons.

"Ever gone bowling before?" Alyx shook her head. "It's loads of fun, and now that I have the Gravity Gun, it's even easier."

Gordon stuffed all his weapons save for the Gravity Gun inside his mouth and they went to the bowling alley and Gordon and Alyx both shared a lane. "Watch this," Gordon said in sign language. He bowled normally and got a gutter ball. "Oh no you don't," Gordon said in sign language. Just before the ball reached the end, Gordon picked it up with the Gravity Gun to try again and he hurled it down the lane. It knocked down three pins. He picked it up again just before it dropped down the hole and knocked down the rest of the pins. Strike!

"I don't need a Gravity Gun to bowl," Alyx said. It was her turn. Two gutter balls. It was Gordon's turn again. With that Gravity Gun, scoring less than 300 was impossible.

One chart of strikes in every single frame so far versus 2 gutterballs in every frame so far later, Gordon and Alyx got kicked out of the bowling alley.

"You are banned for cheating," and pointing to Alyx "And you are banned for being too terrible." So much for Gordon's 300 game. When they got back in the car, Gordon took his weapons out of his mouth and carried them with the Gravity Gun.

"I wish I knew the ending to Agatha Christie's famous play, The Mousetrap, so I can get revenge on that guy for banning us from the bowling alley by revealing every single plot twist," Gordon said.

They got ambushed by the Combine again. "Oh shit!"

"We couldn't help but overhear about you wanting to take revenge against a certain party by spoiling the end of The MouseTrap." The soldier said.

"Yes."

"We know the ending. If you choose to work for the Combine, we can arrange for you to learn the ending so you can exact your revenge."

"Please give me a job application," Gordon requested.

"GORDON! We need to fight them, not join them. I TRUSTED YOU!" Alyx cried.

"Right away sir." The Combine soldier gave Gordon a Combine job application. When he was done, he gave it back. "Okay,you're in now."

"What, no interview? Sweet! I'm terrible at interviews cuz I got the ass burgers. Sorry Alyx," Gordon apologized. He was escorted into the awaiting drop ship.

"I will spoil the ending right now. Promise not to blab." The Combine soldier said quietly near his ear.

"I promise," Gordon promised.

"Okay. At the end of the Mousetrap, the Rube Goldberg device has made the cage fall on top of the mouse, which has eaten the cheese placed as bait. Sometimes it doesn't work. Some parts might be slightly out of alignment, or maybe manufactured wrongly a little bit. Often times players would assemble the Rube Goldberg without even playing the board game at all. I don't think anyone even cared about the board game at all since it was completely overshadowed by the Rube Goldberg trap."

"That doesn't sound like any play ever," Gordon said with narrowed eyes.

"What, you thought I was talking about Agatha Christie's play? Nope, not at all. I was talking about the board game called Mousetrap. No one is allowed to spoil the ending of The Mousetrap play. That's pretty much why the Combine exists in the first place. Cuz some Advisor got pissed off at being spoiled of the ending, so they started an entire resistance to destroy anyone who could possibly spoil anything. Gotta keep things under wraps."

"I understand," Gordon agreed. "Will you please take me to go see it then?"

"Sure," the Combine soldier agreed. They got off the drop ship somewhere in the Arab Emirates and boarded a train to the England theater.

"So Combine, what would happen if a non-Combine person got into a train and the train was headed for a Mark of the Beast wall?"

"Ummm, good question." the Combine soldier said.

"Fuck the Combine, I no longer want to be a part," Gordon said as the train was headed for a Mark of the Beast wall. The train suddenly stopped, with Gordon squished against the Mark of the Beast wall and the back of his seat.

"I take that back. The Combine are awesome." The train moved forward again.

Meanwhile, at the play...

"I know who the killer is. It's... GOING TO BE REVEALED IN THE NEXT EPISODE!"

"You never told me this play was episodic!" Gordon pouted. "Now I gotta wait as long as fans did for after HL2 ep2 just for that stupid ending. What a waste!"

"I never said the killer was revealed. Just that I knew the ending."

"Well I thought it was implied that you knew the killer."

"Audience, please promise you will not spoil any of the plot twists or the ending especially." The actors commanded.

"This seems like a ripoff. I am not interested in any of the evil shit that you do."

"Do you like to ride amusement park rides?" Gordon nodded. When he nodded, it made a sound effect.

"Let us tell you the REAL story about why we invaded. You see, Six Flags Great Adventure has plans of building the world's tallest drop tower on the side of Kingda Ka, the world's tallest roller coaster. We can't let them win because our plan was to eventually build the world's tallest drop tower on the side of the Citadel, at a full 2.5 kilometers tall. Until you showed up and destroyed all our hard work, and now we're back to square 1. The Mousetrap story was a cover-up. No one gives a shit if you spoil the ending. According to leaked documents, the killer is [CENSORED]. But anyway, we want to make history here. Also, it's a Jersey thing. The Combine Advisors are from New Jersey."

"I support your ambition. Hmm, you're not nearly as evil as I first thought. Sure, you may have tried to deplete Earth's resources and killed a buttload of people and turned dissenters into Stalkers and turned Earth into something of a cross between 1984 and War of the Worlds but the motivation behind it is kinda touching. I am a ride warrior myself. I can't wait to ride this roughly 1.55 mile tall drop tower."

"We need to go back to the Arab Emirates because it's the sight of the world's tallest building, and from there, we can add onto the Burj Khalifa to make Citadel number 2, and turn the surrounding area into City 18. After it's topped off, we also have plans to build the 2.5 kilometer Combine Drop of Doom on the side of the new Citadel. And Gordon, I got a special mission for you. Get inside this drop ship, which will take you across the pond to Six Flags Great Adventure. Word on the street is that they already started construction on the Zumanjaro Drop of Doom. I need you to hold the line of construction workers and volunteer construction workers and prevent them from being able to top it before we're done constructing the Combine Drop of Doom. HURRY! If you need to, call forth some gunships to assist, but that shouldn't be necessary given your status of being a one man army."

When Gordon got inside the drop ship, it carried him up, up, and away. He farted. He wanted desperately out because it was too stinky.

Fourteen hours later and sixteen barf puddles later, he found himself inside Six Flags Great Adventure.

"Oh shit, CODE RED!" The construction workers looked like they were adding onto Kingda Ka, making it much taller than 456 feet. "I think they might be trying to make Kingda Ka as tall as the Citadel so they can in fact beat the Combine Drop of Doom!" Gordon got another surprise. One of the construction workers was Alyx Vance. Gordon shot a rocket launcher at her to summon DOGE.

"DOGE, beat up Kingda Ka! If you can beat down Combine architecture, surely you will have no trouble beating down the basis structure for Zumanjaro Drop of Doom built by ordinary humans. They shall not beat the Combine Drop of Doom's record!" Gordon commanded. DOGE shook its head.

"Awww, it's so cute," the construction workers looked to be distracted by the cuteness of DOGE.

"Gordon, what are you doing, working for the Combine? You're just about the least likely person I would suspect to be working for the Combine." Alyx demanded, eyes narrowed.

"It has its perks." Gordon asserted.

A drop ship with a giant magnet hovered overhead. The upgraded Burj Khalifa was stuck to the giant magnet. It then dropped the Citadel slash upgraded Burj Khalifa right on top of Kingda Ka, which was subsequently destroyed. "Ha! No chance of beating our record now, stupid humans!" Gordon taunted.

The name of the park was now changed to 'Combine Great Adventure' and featured Mark of the Beast walls blocking the most popular attractions, but that was rendered useless with Alyx's hacking skills. 'Green Lantern' was changed to 'Breen Lantern' and 'Superman Ultimate Flight' was now 'Synth Ultimate Flight'. The walkthrough haunted house was Zombine themed. Gordon and Alyx got in line for the Combine Drop of Doom. 2.5 vertical kilometers later, Gordon and Alyx could see the ocean from here, at the very top of the upgraded Burj Khalifa. "This reminds me of the view from atop the-" And then they dropped. A few minutes were spent in freefall. Gordon's stomach was trying to escape through his mouth. They screamed several times because they ran out of breath before reaching the bottom.

The Combine were speedily working on a taller and faster version of Kingda Ka to go around the new Citadel, the Combine Ka. There was a Breencast attached to Breen Lantern's structure talking about the new Combine Ka.

"Coming in spring 2015 is the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster, Combine Ka. Featuring a top speed of 2,000 mph and a height of just over 1.5 miles, this coaster is not for the faint of heart. Only at Combine Great Adventure, the world's greatest theme park. Or it will be until Combine Point. And then Combine Magic Mountain."

"Oh my god, I just realized, weren't we supposed to meet up with Judith in the arctic or something and find the Borealis?" Alyx suddenly remembered.

"Maybe? I forgot to pay attention to Dr. Manchild's constant nagging." Gordon admitted. "Dr. Manchild told us to find the Borealis but if we use it against the Combine then they won't be able to finish this awesome Combine theme park, setting unbreakable records for years to come."

"Oh yeah," Alyx realized. "Oh shit, they've put the Mark of the Beast walls back up to reblock the most popular attractions."

"To give people more of an incentive to join the Combine, we have installed Mark of the Beast walls on the queues of the most popular attractions at not just Combine Great Adventure but also at Combine Point and Combine Magic Mountain," the Breencast continued.

"I can't be everywhere at once," Alyx said hopelessly. "And how the hell did he come back?" Gordon shrugged.

"I came back the same way Heavystep from Warrior Cats did, whatever that was." Dr. Breen explained.

"I don't think forcing someone to join something against their will just to be able to enjoy some benefit is a very Christian thing to do. I think we need to take them to Father Grigori." Alyx ranted. "Hey DOGE, go stand somewhere in the line of sight of the Combine soldiers." DOGE followed the command. The Combine soldiers were too distracted by DOGE's cuteness to notice Gordon forcing a napkin of chloroform in their faces so they fall asleep.

"Okay, Alyx, please help me carry them into the drop ship." Alyx did as told. DOGE also helped. The inside of the drop ship was crammed with Alyx, Gordon, and a buttload of Combines.

The dropship dropped them off at Ravenholm. Someone changed the name to Ravenholdm.

"Ah, more souls I need to save," Father Grigori said.

"They want to force people to join something against their will just for added benefits." Alyx filled him in. "And I don't think that's a very Christian thing to do, and neither is shooting at your fellow man or sending gunships to kill said fellow man."

"I'll reform them." Father Grigori assured. DOGE forced the Combine soldiers inside the church and into the pews.

"Jesus died for your sins and he is your Lord and Savior. God loves you and doesn't want you to go to hell. Let us pray."

Prayer time. Then...

"Shooting at your fellow earthlings and trying to kill them is not a good way to initiate a friendship," Grigori preached. "Trying to deplete Earth's resources is not a very Christian thing to do either. Jesus never did any of that, and you shouldn't do it."

One of the Combine soldiers threw a grenade at Grigori. Grigori danced around, not knowing what to do, as if he was a Sims character. He then got blown to bits. His head and all his limbs were separated from his body and burned beyond recognition.

"Are you okay?" Gordon asked him. Father Grigori gave no response.

"He's blown to bits and his flesh is charred to a crisp. Of course he's fine and dandy," Alyx said sarcastically. At least one Combine appeared to listen to Father Grigori.

"I think he's right. Oh Father, I am so sorry. I will try to follow you from now on and never kill anyone again," the Combine dude apologized. The other Combine people killed him.

"Well darn," Gordon cursed.

"Guess this is the end." Alyx said, unable to hold back tears as a gunship opened fire on them. Gordon shot down the gunship with a few of his rockets. It landed just a few feet away from them.

"Since this is the end of the world, wanna join the Mile High Club?" Gordon offered.

"Might as well. I mean, the world is going to end very very soon, and I believe in YOLO, so why not?" Alyx said sweetly. Gordon and Alyx got on top of the Combine gunship, Alyx hotwired it to work again, and it took off. "I also took the liberty of reprogramming the gunship to attack Combine soldiers." A whole new world from Aladdin played during this scene.

Right when they were about to do it, time stopped.

"G-Man! Great timing," Gordon said sarcastically.

"It is time for me to tell you who I really am. I am not the G-Man. The hyphen in my name isn't really that, it is a minus sign, or, as they called it in grade school, take away. The G Minus man. The whole reason for your adventures is to train for the bigger bad. That's right, there is a force in the universe even worse than the Combine. Even the Combine and the Combine Advisors fear them. I trust you're up to the challenge?" Gordon nodded. "Excellent. The Borealis is still key to your victory."

When they landed in the sight of the Borealis, Gordon was upset that he didn't get coitus. He wanted to die. A portal opened up in the vicinity of the Borealis. An army of bio-mechanical cat-like beings stepped out. One of them had the eye of the tiger.

Gordon aimed his gun.

"Don't bother shooting. We're on your side." The bio-mechanical cat-like being with the eye of the tiger said. "I am Shmek, the leader of this battalion. We are the Tractor, the heroic counterpart to the Combine. We've been trying to stop the Combine for ages but to no avail. We believe that you, Gordon, are our Lord and Savior. You may be a mass murdering psychopath for killing aliens for fun and committing ant lion genocide but your will is strong, and you have proven to be a determinator and a one man army. I believe that with our combined strength, we can stop the Combine."

"I would, but I kinda sold my soul to the Combine. And by the way, nice pun." Gordon filled them in.

"Are you a mole?" Shmek asked suspiciously.

"Not really. Well, you see, I joined the Combine because I thought I would learn the ending to the Mousetrap play, and then they invited me to help them with construction on the Combine Drop of Doom. I am not interested in any of the evil shit they do."

"Well okay."

"There he is," a fleet of Combine soldiers found them. Just when everyone on both sides were about to open fire, an entity came down from the sky. It was a giant red rectangle with a white lower case 'g' on it with a minus sign adjacent to it.

"Greetings. I am Google Minus! And we will not stop until the entire planet is under our control. YouTube comments were just the beginning."

"We may need to recruit Bob's army on this one." the Tractor speculated.

An army of ASCII stick people showed up with ASCII tanks and choppers.

"Bob's army, you made it!" Everyone cheered.

With Bob's army, the Combine, the Tractor, and Gordon all working together to chip away Google Minus's hitpoints, it eventually got gibbed.

"Yay, I think we did it." They cheered, and Shmek gave Gordon a hug. A portal appeared.

Gordon walked through it and found himself back on Xen. He was given a roll of duct tape. "Hurry, Gordon. Find the portal to the Combine overworld and close it. Now that the Combine are no longer needed alive."

"Shut up Dr. Manchild," Gordon said to his wrist communicator thing.

Gordon crawled his way back into Nihilanth's lair, nostalgic of when things seemed less scary. There was the portal alright. Gordon wrapped the portal in duct tape and tried to go through it. No success. He had closed up the portal.

"Excellent. Since Combine invasion has been cut off, the Tractor can kill all remaining Combine forces on planet Earth."

"What about the other universes and planets that the Combine tried to conquer?" Gordon asked.

"Ah, no one gives a shit about them. Only our own universe and Earth matter."

"You're right," Gordon said. He was then teleported back to earth. All Combine forces were dead, and the amusement parks that were taken over by the Combine were still Combine themed and the attractions remained, but the Mark of the Beast walls mysteriously disappeared, so anyone could ride anything they wanted. The Earth's oceans were nearly completely dried up. Alyx ran up to him urgently.

"Gordon, please get your Gravity Gun ready and do whatever you can to make me cry." Alyx commanded urgently. Gordon shot several rockets at DOGE, destroying it.

"At the end of MOTHER 3, [CENSORED]. I think I might be gay. "

"Thank you, Gordon," Alyx said sweetly amidst a pile of destroyed DOGE. The oceans were replenished for years to come.

Gordon drove the muscle car back to the bowling alley.

"Hey, I thought I banned you." the owner said.

"In the Mousetrap, [CENSORED]. And then [CENSORED] is the killer." Gordon spoiled the plot twists.

Meanwhile, back at Black Mesa...

"OH NO! It's worse than we could ever imagine! It's infinitely worse than the Combine or Google Minus or hordes upon hordes of Zombines!" the scientists were all freaking out.

"Oh?" Judith wondered.

"The health and safety inspector is coming soon for a visit. Please, hide the corpses of previous health inspectors and wrap this place entirely in bubblewrap and tempurpedic mattresses!" The scientists commanded urgently.

"Hello, I'm the health and safety inspector," the guy at the front door greeted.


End file.
